Studies show that in 90% of cases, children are present in the home during incidents of domestic abuse.

CHILDREN ARE ALWAYS AT RISK

•  they may be witnesses;
•  they may become involved in the abuse when seeking to protect their mother;
•  they may become victims – research shows a link between domestic abuse and the physical and sexual abuse of children;
•  they may be threatened in order to control their mother's actions and prevent disclosure;
•  even when none of the above apply, the effects on children living in situations of domestic abuse are profound - children don't have to 'see' it to be affected by it;
•  all concerns about children should be recorded.

Possible effects may be:

• feelings of anger, guilt, fear and isolation;
•  anxiety, depression and withdrawal;
•  asthma, bedwetting and eczema;
•  not allowed to see family or friends;
•  possessions and pets damaged;
•  disruption to schooling;
•  displays of violence.

• You may or may not want to leave your partner but would like some advice on how to cope or reduce the abuse.
• There is no concrete evidence, so you don't think its domestic abuse.
• You don't want to leave your partner but you'd like them to change the way they behave towards you.
• You still love your partner.
• Your children don't want you to split up.
• You think no one will believe you anyway.
• You think you'll lose everything if you leave – your home, security, friends etc.
• You're frightened to leave – they have threatened to kill you or themselves.
• Your pets have been threatened and you can't take them with you.
• You don't drive and live in a rural area – it would be very difficult to leave.
• Perhaps you feel that because they are your partner, you must accept their behaviour.
• Your partner may have died or moved into residential care and you feel relieved but guilty and need someone to talk to.
• When you got married it was for life. Perhaps in the past you were told that you'd 'made your bed and had to lie in it'.
• Perhaps you rely on them to care for you – or perhaps you don't feel you can leave because they need you to care for them.
• You are not to blame for what's happening – regardless of what the abuser may tell you.

Please remember:

• You do not deserve to be abused and you have the right to live without fear.
• You have the right to have a safe, healthy relationship and control over your own life.
• You can't control the abuser's behaviour and the abuse is likely to get worse over time.

LetSBsafe - help and support if you don't want refuge

If you would like help and support but are not looking for refuge accommodation, LetSBsafe provides emotional and practical support to anyone over the age of 18 who is currently experiencing domestic abuse or who is a survivor of past abuse.

Experienced project workers will give time, space and understanding to help you make informed choices about your situation. The work of LetSBsafe is based on a 'safety first' principle and purely on the needs of victims and children.

Call 01835 863878

Further details of support agencies can be found on our Links page.

In any emergency – dial 999

If you feel you need to get out immediately (ideally with your children) call a friend, support agency or Border Women's Aid.

Ways to protect yourself

Here are some practical ideas of how you can protect yourself now. Take one step at a time and start with the one that is easiest and safest for you.

Protecting yourself now

• Tell someone you trust about the abuse. This could be a friend, family member or a support worker.
•  Keep phone numbers of agencies or friends who can help you in a safe place.
•  Teach your children to call 999 in an emergency and what they would need to say; e.g. their full name, address and telephone number. Teach them it is important to keep safe when there is abuse. Tell them not to get between you and your partner if there is violence. Plan a code word to signal they should get help or leave.
•  Rehearse an escape plan, so in an emergency you and the children can get away safely.
•  Pack an emergency bag for yourself and your children and hide it somewhere safe like at a neighbour or friend's house. Things to keep in an emergency bag include important documents like birth certificates, passports, bank cards, any papers relating to the abuse (police reports and court orders) and personal items like family photos, jewellery, small items of sentimental value, clothing and toiletries for you and your children and your children's favourite small toys.
•  If you can, try to keep a small amount of money on you at all times.
•  If possible, take some food and any medication you or your children may need.
•  Remember your house key – you may need to return later to get some more belongings.

In an emergency

• Know where the nearest phone is and if you have a mobile phone, try to keep it with you.
•  If you think that your partner is about to attack you, try and move to a place where there is a way out and access to a telephone. Try and avoid the kitchen or garage where there are likely to be knives or other weapons.